When did i grow up? >>>>>>>

Yesterday was a big day for me... a reminder of something that i have been able to achieve or that yesterday only i came to realize that yes.....now i am someone and i am capable of something....haha. Yesterday ..actually i got my salary..my very first salary. IN the afternoon a friend told me that our salary had been credited and was in our accounts...good..i was just jumping.....because 1. I was in grave need of money...it was drying up fast 2. It was my own hard earned(hey, let me say that..though it not all correct.....all the time i had fun only) money. SO, i went on to check my account and yes..there it was. It was quite a lot of money that was there. I took out a 1000 bucks and well.....i have kept them aside. I wish to keep some money every month and someday use them for a noble cause. I think its a moral responsibility of all of us to do something for our society or lets say... nature..wildlife. Yes...everyone needs to do it. And this has been one of my resolutions since the day i fell in love with the cute fishes my mom bought me when i was in 6th class. Way back..way back. Talking about money again....today i went out to do some shopping for myself...no more small shops....i landed directly into a biggy mall.....the most famous one here in mumbai..looked for a lot of clothes...but then nothing seemed too good...i mean they were good..but i couldnt choose. Sooo....i dint buy clothes. Instead..i found a bookstore there and i bought some books....two books. To kill a Mockingbird---n Their very Special Child.... books..yes.....i think they are me newly found passion....and i wish to have my own very personal library....i already got quite a lot of books....now again everybody is after me for treats n parties.....one because of birthday..two because of the new year..three..because of the first salary.....so not much to be left off that poor hard earned money. But i am glad to have earned that money....it is also one of the first times in life....first time in my life i got my own money....whoaa..i am still absorbing that shock...i have always been a big big spender .... i dont think this will last long.
Thinking back.....its not long...the day i changed school in class 5..that time i first wrote with a pen....a fountain pen..and my noteboks all went blue,,,,bad ink stains....Before that pencils only were allowed....the reason was that they say from pencil ..your handwriting improves..but mine...haha..it is so very poor...all my notebooks were filled with notes n diaries with complaints by teacher abt my writing. I recall a certain incident...once my dad actually gave me something to write.....just so that i improve my writing...so i went on the roof..with one of elder friends who lived there...and somehow i wrote that page....and i dont know....how my handwriting looked good for the first time. And then...i went happily to dad to show him that..and he..mann...he just didnt believe that i had written that...he just wont....i mean he really wasnt accepting that i myself wrote it..instead..who wrote it for you?..good!! was ,y writing was so poor that he just didnt belive that his gadha (donkey)son could write better. I even had to listen to a lecture of not to tell lies also..haha...but this doesnt mean my dad doesnt believe me...he believes in me..he loves me so so very much...i wish everyone has parents like mine..really. I was actually talking bout how time passes without we knowing it. It all seems just like yesterday. All the friends i had in school...going to college...more friends there..ragging..that dirty hostel..more dirtier bathrooms.....than tensions abt exams....then abt job...and then finally you get a job...start earning money....n then...then i have to see. For me.....i thank god for just everything i have in my life....i am glad that i got help at every point of time i needed it.....for all the wonderful friends in my life......whom i admire and turn up to at bad times.......and for constantly giving me inspiration to move ahead..and keeping my feet on the ground...each time every time.

Life is just such a wonderful thing.....so many surprises..good or bad......life is just so short..there is just so much in this world to do. I dont understand why people commit suicides.....life is too precious to be just thrown away.......but let me not talk abt this vague idea this new year. The year i am leaving behind was just great. A very very eventful year in my life....something i would cherish for my whole life. I made friends.....really very good friends......i learnt a lot....and i think by far ..this was the year i sense in me some kind of change..for the better of course. And i thank god for that ..for letting me to be just plain simple ME. This new year..i have to make some resolutions.....not to break them..but to actually follow them. I never believe in making resolutions...but the coming year is going to be important........so i think i need to plan ....plans plans plans...i was never the guy who actually made plans for anything....i have always maintained that "Take life as it comes"..i am not very prudent in my thoughts.....and may be that is damaging at times.....sooo......so showing thought about the future and being prudent enough..i think i shud stop writing now because i need to go to the office tomorrow..!!! I wud turn back tomorrow....

Bye Bye SANTA...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!

It was , infact it still is christmas today..just half an hour more or so i think. Well......i havent really celebrated christmas ever ....may be because i am a from a hindu family....and we people dont celebrate it. But as i have grown up i realized that christmas brings with itself a sense of joy...cheer....happiness...a feel good time ...i mean it all seems n looks so good. That particular day has something special to it. Well...for that matter every festival gives us something to cheer about. So no religion or whatever cpmes in way.........haha.....We had a party of sorts in the office yesterday. It was all decorated for the past few days. Well....talking of today..the morning ii had planned to go to some church today with my friend but that dint happen actually. A friend called and told me that he had been admitted in a hospital..so i had to go n see him. Before that we actually cleaned our rooms ourselves. In the evening we went to the Marine Drive..one of the happening places here in mumbai as they say. Well..why it is so happening? There are couples linnnnned up there..talking n kissing n eating..n ..doing all kinds of stuff. More interesting is that fact that there are these " eligible bachelors"'......haha..also lined up n sitting praying to god..trying to look cool n smart n everything infront of each n every girl they see ..n praying like " Goddd!!!! give me a girlfriend tooo....hey girl!.... give me a look atleast....look..i am here!! i am here!!"...........some others are just there for eaveteasing. They should be better thrown off that small cliff onto the sea i think!!....Well....but today i think i enjoyed the day. Ok..one more thing happened ...one of my seniors (met him at the clinis where the other friend was there) at office who has just resigned actually told me that me boss keeps praising me a lot.....he has got lots of expectations from me....well...the same thing. But i never actually knew that its just a week into my new office and i dont knw why ..i think i have become the talk of that place.....he reminded me of the 'office politics'....i think that actually happens. But i am the kind if guy who would utter anyting..i dont like back biting people ..i never expect people to do that......i thought that nobody would actually do that but i think i have realized that it happens. But like its there" I AM OK, YOU ARE OK "....good thing to follow...n " In the office everybody is called my name..no matter how senior or aged he is. I think i dont like this idea. I think its just not good to call someone older by his name..i just dont feel comfortable with that...people have really told me not to put "sir"..or anything....the first day.......in office..i was calling everybody with a " sir "...later i knew tha soem were actually my juniors.......but i think they are more experienced ..n that needs to be respected. I think managing people isnt a very easy job.......or may be people learn to be rude or good or bad or strict as they move along......but right now i feel that i am just good the way i am..and i just want to be me.....i m very happy with me....and i dont want to change.....for now. Ok...few moew minutes and it will be my birthday.........so i think i have to make some resolutions as well.......first time in my life i am thinking of that......so let me be the first to wish myself....."HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHOK"...do great everywhere you go.......may god guide you everywhere......"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU".........
Ashok, 11:30, cyber cafe
....near the goregaon railway station!!

Life Life....

I think i can never write enough about the garbage in my mind. Ofteni write just so rubbish and silly things about myself that when i read them back.....it leaves me in such a crazy situation. Right now..everythings going on fine with me. At my level..i have the best of life....i m just out of college...i have good friends...a well paid job. I should have been like my friends ... they seem to enjoy every part. But i just dont know what is wrong with me. I am never actually able to enjoy life. I have ajob....but in my mind i am thinking to search for a new one....and i do not know why. Am i trying to run away from the challenges i have infront of me now? i am not sure..but i would not like to do that. I read blogs and there are a whole lot people like me. They just expect so much from life. May be that is human nature but patience is one thing. I know my problem..i am very impatient. I rush with things. I am in a new office..people are friendle there..and whoever is not i think my ever smiling face works there. People just start believing in me so much..i do not know what makes them feel that i am one of the smartest people around. That actually creates problem. I have to struugle with myself to actually live upto their expectations and work at their level. Right now i do not have any idea as to what i am capable of......where i can reach. I sure have lot of dreams like everyone else..they actually materialize one day or not....that is one other thing. I admire myself at times. I am happy this moment and suddenly i feel sad. I believe people easily and people taje advantage of that sometimes...actually many a times. I expect people to be kind and good and everything..i think everybody is like that but i am realizing that its not the case. Noone ever thinks about others. All they are concerned is about them them n only them. I think i need to change.....but again i feel i am just doing fine. When will i have a balance and make a bottomline for myself..i dont know. These days i am going to office early...i spend time there..i am actually learning these days not working. I see people who actually look like they are getting mad due to their work. I dont know how i will survive all this. This might be a problem everyone has and may be i am just reacting. It could be anything...MUSIC..that keeps me alive here also. I am just happy listening to any musix thy are playing here on FM..that actually brings me some peace. Friends.....roomates...i have. But everybody lives for themselves...even me. I think we need to change this..but may be thats not possible. Gettinmg lost in the intricacies of life is the worst thing that can happen. I have seen people having big big hopes ..dreams...aspirations...but in the end they are just living an average life.....not just worth it.

OFFICE OFFICE

In the past week i have been actually trying to step out and fine a boundary line between the timw that i had in college and the working place. Its not actually very easy for me. I think i am not able to just mould myself in to the serious manager mode. Its just not very simple. I guess there is just so so much to learn from people around me. Tiday i had another experience. Today my manager actually had a meeting with me..he called me and then actually told me that he wanted me to work properly.....to deliver consistently....not only do my job but to actually be ready top give in that extra effort. Well..that was not a problem. That i would have done either way. SO that was pretty good for me.he also told me the need to learn people management. He said he wasnt happy the way his current team is working..and so he expected a lot from me. Well.....there was nothing for me to say...but i am ready to learn. But there was more coming my way. I was actually thinking that it would be all fun working here..learning things...no pressure i thought. But lot was coming my way. I went back to my place and after that i got a call again and the whole Tech. team had been called to his cabin. SOo...there actually the boss made himself sound loud and clear. he had some problems with some members who he thought were not working properly. He just asked everyone of us that if someone wants to quit this team(which actually i think means the job)..please do it voluntarily..or he would decide. He wasnt happy with the tram work and he made that clear. That had nothing to do woth me coz i have joined just a week ago. Lot of bitching followed afterwards which i think isnt worth remembering. The boss hasnt actually fired anyone but he actually has made his intentions very clear. Deliver or get Dumped. That was when i actually realized that this wasnt an ordinary college life and everything has to be taken very seriously. I mean i actually realized the consequences. I was upset for sometime and trying to grasp things. Then in the evening a colleauge was leaving the job ..he worked here for the past 6 years...he got a better offer and was quitting. We had a warm nice farewell party..that made things lighter a bit. Then i left and had to have this long ride back home. Its Christmas time and our office has been decorated fully. From outside it looks beautiful and everything......but the people working there are actualy in the same screwed state like always. !!

TIME HAS A WAY, OF TAKING BACK EVERYTHING YOU HAVE

Me and my Miserable days

Mumbai....its the place to be they say...not really i think. The last week ..more than that..i have been here for the past 10 days or so. And i can well say that these were the most horrible days i ever had in my life. Yes...really. Its a long long story of my misery and suffering and pain...(you can think more miserable words)..just fil in whatever........**********................. Well....that starts with December 8th...morning 4am..i reached mumbai. That time everything was pretty fine....we were happy that the company was arranging for our accomodation...it was supposed to be a nice hotel...one of the best here(infact i had read reviews of that on the net). We spent a lot of bucks in the cab..got to the hotel....we were a group of 12 ppl..so we got out..our luggages dropped...we were expecting the hotel staff to come and fetch our luggage..give us a warm cozy room.......and blah blah blah. So..two guys went in just to inform that WE...THE GREAT GUYS had come. OK.....so after some time they came out n doom!!!!...no booking for us? The hotel ppl were infact asking who we were!!! well..ok ..guys said no problem ..lets sort it out with the company people..ok..we callled them...no1 picked up...it was morning ...every1 wud be sleeping...so 2 hours or so...we were out there in the open...after that someone called...n they picked up.....and gave us the NEWS....we had a booking....we wud get the hotel..buttttt...from the next day. So we asked where we wud go..we are new here .....we dont know anyone.....we dont have lottt of money right now.....what the hell!!!....so with lot of pleading by us....( and yes..loads of bad words and abusing from us to the company for free)....but that was just only for us to hear....so anyway..after long time..we got the hotel...and the story had a happy ending like always....but i have sen movies where they write " THE END"..and in some rare ones they write at the end " AND THE STORY CONTINUES" or " THE STORY STARTS NOW"..ours was that kind of story....hmm..interesting......we ( I actually) were/was fu******* for the rest of the days....and it goes like this....( icant write how much i suffered..butt its interesting ok....you would really laugh over me..i was in a condition that i was actually laughing over myself..i was going MADDDDDD............theres a rule........i thought it wasa rule....but now i expect it as a fact.....and the golden rule is

" Anyting that can possibly go wrong WILL go WRONG "...and it DID..really it DID for me.....what alll happened .....i wont forget...boo boo...........blah blah.....haha..hehe.......!!!!

They were actually poviding accomodation for a week n upto tht time we had to find places flats to live....we started that....just think..we had to go to the office..for joining formalities n all....then we had to get back...search for flats.....oooh.....and the traffic here!!! just so fucked up....... .....well ....finally somehow we got a flat...they owners told us that we had go give about 1 lakh for advance 20000 as brokerage ....and 12000 was rent...so that comes to 150000 rs.....and that is a huge sum of money..but actually thers a policy of company wherein the companypays all this..so we arranged that and told that //ok...we will pay for this....through the company.....the owner didnt want to give it that way but somehow in the end he was ready...so after that we went to the company asking for the money..and there...these ppl told us that it will take about a week till the money actually is handeed over to the owner....and that they wont be giving more days to stay in the hotel.....and we had to check out next day...that was just ridiculous.....where would we go then!!! and after that the biggest thing came

........the owner refused to give the flats to us....saying that he would prefer some family to be there...and bachelors create problems!!! Now, what the fuck is that reason!! well..finally day before yesterday we had to check out of the hotel....after that we didnt have abywhere to go....and that particular hotel where we were staying....we asked them to extend our stay.,....and we wud pay it ourselves....they said OK....but they told us we were staying in the executive suite and it would cost us 20000 rupees for a night.......and that meant that we wont be able to stay there....thats a lot of money....so we got out....with our luggage n everything...where to go?? we requested the hotel ppl to keep our luggage till evening....they agreed for that....then we went on to search fo other cheaper hotels nearby...but no....no1 was ready to give them to us...some said that they were full..others looked at me suspiciously...and hey said no..no bachelors.....what the hell!!! i just wanted to punch each one of them in the face

.....so finally it was night and i was already thinking that i will have to spend the time on the footpath....but then one friend just called...he had arranged something for the night..godd!!! that was such a relief..that place was far away...so we three(actualy 2 other colleagues were with me..)..but atleast we had somwehere to stay..so we spent 500 bucks in the taxi..reached there...it was about 9:30 ....so in the flat we were 7 guys together.....now i was very hungry and i asked all to come n have dinner in a nearby restaurant...so then one friend actually asked to get his dinner packed and that he wud stay back...ok. We went and had dinner...got his dinner packed....and came back///it was almost 12..( hey.this is the most interesting part) ..so we came back...them my friend who owned the flat actually came to know that he had left the key inside the room...our friend who had stayed back....he was sleeping....in the last room....deep asleep.....and we were outside...we started to knock...hard....infact we were banging....but he dint got up..then we had another option..to call his mobile and then he wud get up....ok...we tried....and then.....again....his mobile was in the other guys pocket who was with us ....( he had taken it from him to talk to someone n forgot to give it back)......so well...that was like they say.. "nail in the coffin" ..now we just started banging the door hard.....after sometime we saw some security guard coming to us....some ppl had reported thinking that we were some thieves or someone.....well....thank you great peoples.

We just told the guards our position..they understood....but told us to move out of the building....we were disturbing others....so finally...we were on the road.....we sure must have looked like thieves..we were six guys....dressed formally..shirts..pants..black shoes...haha!!! damn....we went to the nearest police station and there was a nice guy there...he told us to sit alongwith a guy who was there in a parking lot. And he told each one of us to get into an auto.( u wont know what an auto is....ita a small silly looking vehicle)....so we spent the night there...mosquitoes n all...that was horrible debby....!! horrible.... .and all the time all six of us were cursing n abusing that idiot sleeping friend of ours.....i have pics of that....i will send them to you......that was an experience..that i will never forget.....They say ne..luck is something....Luck is everything.....in the last few days...anything that can go wrong is actually going wong for me...!!! Its a bad bad very bad phase for me....really. But right now....i am ok..i have a flat..finally.....we rented one....we had to shell out the money fom our pockets..last option..!! i am fixed now....and quite relaxed.......but again...who knows..... when i am get into all this crap again again!!

All people who are interested in the pictures of that night ..wait in a queue....a friend has it....those sure are something!!! They really need to be posted!!

last post from kolkata.........

The news is that i am leaving this place......MUMBAI is the place to be now. I have been here just for a month...and i had a picture in my mind that kolkata is the dirtiest of all cities.....(i had been some years ago ).....i was wrong. This city has been nice to me...may be i would like to come back here again.Talking abou the day, all day long i had hardly anything to do....so obviously i did nothing mateial. I had the classes but in the afternoon we got free ..i actually gave an excuse and came back a bit early. I have an assesment exam tomorrow ....there are these huge pile of books i have to read tonight. Now the thing is that almost everytime exams come i start thinking that may be i should have listened more attentively in the clases. Yes, that used to happen when i was in college..not anymore. Because all this banking stuff is so vague that going through it in a night possible...upto some extent. And we engineers are trained to do a one night quickie actually. I mean engineers are engineers just because they have this ability to do a one night preperation and still get away with something good. Well of coure hard work pays and those who have been studying whole semester are on the top. I had my share of that also ...i mean not a lot of times though. Today we also got our employement IDs, the name of our immediate superior...boss.......well my boss is a south indian ...i figured it out from his name. From the start i have been worried about what kind of boss i would get.....i really wish that he is nice to me.....bosses have this notority about them that all of them are nothing but people who dump every work of theirs upon you....you work with all your efoort and he gets away with the kudos...and you are not even mentioned. I just hate these kind of people. Our IDs are generated ...that means soon we would have our salary accounts and and and .......i would be getting my first salary. Now thats something i am really interested in. Getting my own money...i mean like " khoon pasine ki kamayi "....the first month although we would be paid....there was no blood(khoon) or sweat(pasina).....all i had to shell out was some money for the cab...and then we could go no sleeping in the class. If my employers read this..its going to be the end of me!! really!!!!! ...... i am leaving for mumbai tomorrow..just got my tickets done. So again..it would be a new place....ooooh..thats another headache.....new place....new adjustments..new house.......and alongwith it i dont know what work i am actually supposed to do. I wish i get along fine. So tomorrow i have exam still i am here..i actually came here to get a bit fresh so that i could go on and sing..oops study a bit.......so that atleast i do a bit good.......listen to these......i am listening to some of these
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BwL_13enB8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXJ5a56dP98

miserable feeling i have......so so very much

I have not really written anything in the past three days..but i have done a lot of things that i would have liked to write about. SUnday was a good day...although i had a presentation to give the next day..somehow i just couldnt resist the temptation if going out with my friends to the INDIAN MUESEUM. I had expected a lot from it..but in the end i just felt that it wasnt really what i expected. A nice edifice from the outside its interiors were not so much organized. There was lot of dust all around..glasses were stained..but it just so so much. Rocks from each and every part of the world..geology people might get interested. There were so many things that its just impossible to see everything in a day. Then there was this mammal gallery..where there awere very old things...a 3500 million year old fossil...indias own dinosaurs remains.."rajasauras something..." raja in hindi means kings..so some indian already classified it as the king.....then i saw the remains of a Blue Whale which was found in the North Atlantic...i knew that it was the biggest mammal / creature on earth..but it was that big!! i never knew.....i just could not believe how massive it was..and when i read that it was a small blue whale....whoooaaa....nothing more i cud say....a deer i saw which was 11 feet long....i always thought that deers were sweet n cute creatures who ar lot shrter than me..after seeing it i knew i was wrong. Then i went to the egyptian gallery..i saw a mummy in there and read some of the history of Egypt which is always interesting to do. Well..that was sunday..evening was spent writing the review and then making slides...i had to spend the time from 5 to 10:30 doing that. I could not sleep at night..i just couldnt ..this has become everyday thing. I go to sleep and then my mind goes on to think about ....things which are just so far from me...things i want to reach out for...but somehow cant. These things are too personal so i cant write all about this here..but the problem is that i cant get up in the morning then..o yes sunday night..i couldnt sleep..i turned off the lights and then tried to...cudnt..so i turned on the TV to listen to songs..even then i cudnt sleep/.so than at 2:30 in the mprning i went on to wash my shoes....thats what i could do at that time..haha. Monday was like..first half i was in the class but i wasnt actually in the class...my mind was drifting away...its just such a miserable feeling. I hate myself for letting this happen to me..!! how could I just !! ....so then in the second half i gave the presentation alongwith one of my friends....it was good...but certainly not the best....i was not feeling well so i left just after our presentation...we were the first to give it....i had so much pain in my stomach..so i had to leave. I spent the evening reading books. Today also its already half day..i had the lunch..time was free so i came to write this...today i feel really bore..out of place ..nothing good is happening to me...it so so miserable i feel ..and the problem is that i cannot help it.....and i have no clue as to how long would i be in such a state of mind.....hellooo...somebody listening~~

FINE ARTS

It is saturday and i think its a good day.or it was a good day i should say. Classes were therebut i enjoyed much of it. Its better when you are doing something rather than just sitting idle and listening to some crap that an oldie isblathering out. We were left out early in the evening...thanks to ur instructor. I came back to the hotel ..and i read some more pages of LIVING HISTORY..i think that this is goingto be the fattest book i would be reading...i read some pages of it. The book itself seems to be like reading the history of the US politics from the eyes of Hillary Clinton. She has made sure that each and every politicalchange at that time gets recorded in her book. Though all of that is after she was born..so i am reading it now as some history book...and it sure is intersting. When i say history book..it sunds a bit boring. But it is not. Its interesting to read...but i cant finish it at one time. I am a reader of books but i am not the person who would sit 5-6 hour at a stretch to finish it. I do it..take my time...but my brother manish..give him a book..he isnt going to do anythingunless he finishes the book...he wudnt eat...wont sleep..wont even listen to mom or me..he gets deeeeeep in to it...and many a times gets me frustrated. Even he is not herewith me and i miss him as much as i miss my youngest brother kumud...and he again is a masterpiece..crazy sort of ..jusssst a bit!! ok coming back...after that my friends were planning to go out..no specefic plans but just to " CHECK OUT THE GIRLS " ..the american way...soo i went along..they insisted so i went..anyhow i was pretty bored by reading for 2 hours....so i went with them.On the way ..we were actually going to victoria palace...( thats where all girls come at weekends)..so on the way i just saw lot of things...first i saw an old age home very neatly made..lots of lights n all.some celebration was going on i think...then there were these nuns coming back..lots of them. They were from the MISSIONARIES OF CHARITY..(mother teresa). These really have such an air of reverence around them. I really admire and respect the work they do for the benifit of the poor..had it not been for them..kolkata would have been the worst place on earth...forget africa!! Well...i had some plans also. I had thought that someday till i am in kolkata ..i would go and volunteer a days work. I really wanted to...but even though i made sincere efforts i couldnt manage my time. I feel bad..it was one of my wishes..it was so busy here from day one!!!Going in the morning..coming back late....and sundays were free. But i dint have many sundays..what i had were soent on project works and all. and tomorrow is my last sunday in Kolkata..next sunday i would be in MUMBAI....but something must be left for the future also. But i do respect all these nuns..i saw lots of them....very beautifully dressed in white robes ....lot of them were old and not from INDIA. These people have really made some sacrifices.......i am really inspired. Someday i too wish to do something like this although now when i say this..it sounds awkward..out of place..because as of now..i am just nothing!! But god will guide me and help me i suppose.Again coming back...i went on to see a painting exhibition. Honest enough i have never been to any exhibition of paintings..but i do like to look at painitings and make some meaning of them. Butt..this one i visited today..it was anything but good!! I have already forgotten it...nothing intersting or good i found there.So after that we went on ..reached victoria..and " checked out the girls" ...haha..after " checking them out we came back.....and i started writing this..no actually first i went to the room..read the book some more..ate dinner and than i came to write this and i wont write no more.